My time in Kigali thus far has altered my understanding of
gender. The initial reaction I felt from the continued sexual harassment I
encounter was blaming. Even when I repeated to myself over and over again that
it wasn’t my fault and the men that have been shouting at and touching me are
wrong. Even when my thoughts were confirmed by people that I respect, I caught
myself trying to wear less revealing clothing and making sure not to have more
than one beer at the bar. There are safety precautions any smart person in a
new environment should take and I try to be mindful of societal norms. However,
that automatic and somewhat subconscious reaction reflects a much deeper issue.
One instance was particularly hurtful. It occurred just a
few weeks into my arrival in Kigali. A crowd of men were jeering at me and one
made inappropriate advances on me. I’m a 23 year old female so this kind of
thing isn’t exactly new (I don’t overlook how incredibly sad that statement
is). I got away from him but in the process saw that a woman was also in the
group, laughing at a man who had done something that he shouldn’t have which
made me feel violated and unsafe. A woman was laughing at another woman who had
just been assaulted. I was shaken up and annoyed with the man but I was furious
with the woman.
This woman had done nothing overt to hurt me. She had been
part of a large group of people, none of whom I was nearly as angry with. So
why the woman? Because she saw a blatant instance of violence against another
woman and did nothing. My reaction was somewhat hypocritical.
Most of my friends are men. This changed somewhat last
semester as I started to make friends at Dominican but generally, my group of
friends is largely populated by men. This
blog made me think a lot about the woman who laughed at me that day. In a
group of men, how often do I shrug off sexist remarks? How frequently do I
allow my male friends to make jokes about sexual assault or tell demeaning
stories about women they have hooked up with? How often do I personally judge
another woman for the decisions she makes regarding her own body? I’m not sure
but I can assume I wouldn’t be proud of the answer.
The worst part is, there are few things that make me as
angry as gender based violence. And yet I perpetuate it because I’m too afraid
to be seen as the “feminist bitch who can’t take a joke.” Which is absurd. Why
would I want to stay friends with people who joke about these things? Why would
I want to continue seeing a guy who thinks the degradation of women is funny?
Scrm received a text message last weekend from a friend in
Houston joking about sexual slavery and getting him a “bitch” if he gets a visa
to the states. I didn’t laugh it off. I told him his attitude towards sexual
violence didn’t jive with mine and that I didn’t want to continue seeing him if
those were his feelings. We parted ways. Me angry and upset and him, I’m
guessing, very confused. A few nights ago, Scrm asked me to meet him for dinner
because he wanted to talk and I agreed. As we sat down to eat, he apologized
for laughing at the text message and said that he didn’t understand what his
friend had meant and he therefore didn’t understand why I was so angry. Seeking
answers, he sought out a friend to discuss the issue with and got
clarification. He realized that what his friend had said was wrong.
After long and careful reflection regarding societal norms
and cultural differences between Scrm and me, I’m proud of what I did. Because
I only add fuel to the biased, sexist, political fire by accepting sexist
speech. This isn’t a Can’t Beat ‘em, Join ‘em kind of scenario. If I can’t
change the minds of my friends who think rape and sexual assault is funny, I
should get new friends.
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