moving forward

I was not sure if I would continue writing once I returned to the States and settled in. I'm still not sure what this will look like now but I felt like writing so here we are.

The word jealous in it various forms has cropped up a few times now since I've been home. People saying they are jealous of my experience or some derivative. These interactions make me squirm and I could not quite determine why but I've come to two reasons.

1. I'm not usually the person people are jealous of. Or at least it isn't articulated to me. I'm usually scoffed at and picked on for a lot of my ideas and behaviors. Which I'm fine with because I am content with my life. I try to do what I think is best and live a life I can be proud of. I know most people wouldn't make many of the choices I do and that's fine. This leads to my next point...

2. I have an incredible life full of people who love and support me, yes. I have had awesome opportunities that I'm sure are a product of privilege but I have also worked very hard. Throughout the past fiveish years of adulthood, I have made a few very hard decisions and been shaped by both wonderful and heartbreaking circumstances. I am a sum of every experience, just as everyone else is. To be jealous of my life at this moment discounts everything that led to this, which I don't think many people would be jealous of.

What I'm trying to say is that life is a procession of moments. Every moment people are making the decisions that are best for them. Others might not understand or agree, but every individual knows himself or herself and his or her experiences better than anyone else could. My decisions have led me in a different path than most, yes. I have made sacrifices and taken risks. Some have worked out and some have not. It does absolutely help that I have family and friends who support me through all of it.

And I haven't even begun to address what being jealous of my experience in Rwanda really means, which would take way more time than I have right now with graduation in a few days.

I'm not trying to discount others' feelings and I do appreciate the intended sentiment behind the word jealous. Basically, don't be jealous. Of me or anyone else. Live your life. Make the decisions and take the risks to make your life what you want it to be. Life is scarey and confusing and overwhelming but those aren't reasons not to live it.